Being Authentic
Why is it that we like some people more than others? Did you ever think about that? What characteristics do the people we enjoy being around have in common? I pretty much classify the people in my life into four groups: the jerks, those I have to put up with, those I get along with well enough, and those I really enjoy being around. It’s a continuum that moves from jerk to someone I really like, and I think the character trait that defines that last group the most is authenticity. But what does it mean to be truly authentic? Before we get into the characteristics of truly authentic people, we need to look at one metaphor for life for how we might look at life – Theatrical Living
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Theatrical Living
In his work on social interaction and human behavior, sociologist Erving Goffman believed that our life as human beings could be seen through the metaphor of the theatre or what scholars have termed a dramaturgical analysis. As human beings, we are actors playing various roles to different audiences – audiences that also include ourselves.
So through this perspective, when we encounter another person in interaction, we attempt to guide and form the impression that the other person will have about us by “acting” in a way consistent with the impression we want the other person to make. We dress in particular ways, we talk in particular ways, and we do specific things to accomplish the purpose of forming the impression that we want other people to have about us.
In this metaphor, there is an onstage area – where we appear before audiences and act out the roles assigned to us to present a desired appearance, and there’s the backstage area – a hidden, private area where we can drop the roles and be ourselves.
So, if we are truly authentic when we are “backstage,” is it possible to be “authentic” when we are “on stage,” playing the various roles to the various audiences in our lives. Is it possible to live authentically in front of others?
I think we can.
I believe true authenticity is when the on-stage persona matches up with the off stage one. In other words, when who we are “backstage” is who we are “on stage,” we are authentic. If that’s the case, then what are the characteristics of truly authentic people?
Characteristics of Authentic People
1. They are real.
If you think about a definition of authenticity, it might be “not fake.” An authentic $10 bill isn’t a counterfeit; it’s real. An authentic painting isn’t a forgery; it’s the original. In the same way, when we’re authentic, we are being who we really are – we’re not putting on masks or facades or pretending we are someone we aren’t.
There’s a difference between movie roles and the roles we have to play in life. In acting, some actors can take on and play a multitude of characters. When you have a great actor, you lose the actor in the role. Take Daniel Day-Lewis as an example. In his roles – Hawkeye, Billy the Butcher, Abraham Lincoln and Daniel Plainview – his incredible talent immerses you in the character, and you forget that Daniel Day-Lewis is playing a role. That’s greatness.
However, there are other actors and actresses (names withheld) who just basically play themselves with a different character name. And I’m not talking about cameos. You see them in the various movies and television shows, and you realize they are just being themselves in this show – the same person they were in the last one with some different lines.
Now in the movies, authentic characters are the ones played by great actors – where you lose sight of the actor and believe in the character. In life, however, authenticity means being the same person in all of the roles you encounter. It’s allowing your real self to be present to the different audiences you encounter instead of changing your “character” to fit the audience. Authentic people are real.
Truly authentic people don’t try to put on a mask and be someone they’re not. They know who they are and are willing to let you see that. Inauthentic people have different “faces” for the different audiences in their lives.
2. They are transparent.
In matching up what happens “backstage” with what happens “on stage” authentic people recognize the reality of their faults, failures, and weaknesses. Authentic people understand their shortcomings and that these challenges help to make them who they are. They don’t dismiss them away but are honest with themselves about the difficulties they face in life. To be authentic doesn’t mean you have to broadcast all of your weaknesses to the world but it does mean that you can’t simply pretend that they don’t exist.
To continue with Goffman, one of the parts of “acting” your role when you are “on stage” he calls “facework.” Facework comes from the idea that we do things in life to preserve and portray the persona we want other people to have about us. We try to “save face” when we do something embarrassing. We don’t want to “lose face” in front of other people – this means not being “shamefaced” or losing some aspect of our status.
Facework describes the actions taken by a person to make whatever he/she is doing consistent with their face. It is to counteract the incidents in life which threaten our face (appearance, status, intended role). Facework means maintaining the particular mask, but authenticity means revealing the person behind the mask – being transparent and vulnerable (to a certain extent) about who you are.
It’s funny, but self-deprecating people attract people to themselves. Transparency and vulnerability are qualities that show people that you are a real person – you are authentic – and that is an endearing quality. Some of the most charismatic people are also some of the most transparent. So, be real about your shortcomings. You don’t have to shout them from the rooftops, but don’t deny that they exist and be transparent, even if only about the fact that you have struggles just like everyone else.
3. They care.
The most authentic people I’ve ever met have had this quality in common: they care about me as a human being and a person. We all know people who only care about themselves. When you’re around them, they only talk about themselves. When they listen to you, you get the sense that it’s a chore or duty that they have to put up with until they can refocus back on themselves. Have you ever experienced that?
There’s a term for these kinds of people: conversational narcissist. A conversational narcissist is a person who asks you a question about yourself, not because they’re interested in you, but because they want to use that question to tell you about them. This behavior is the antithesis of authenticity. You could say that’s who they truly are – they aren’t putting up any facades or putting on any masks – maybe “backstage” all they’re interested in is themselves. All well and good. But it seems to me that authenticity has something to do with our concern for other people even as it does with how we think about ourselves.
The most authentic people I’ve met have an interest in me -that I mean something to them and it’s not all about them. The people in life that I’ve found the most genuine have this quality.
Maybe there’s a value system for how we should treat our neighbor, but I find it the most inauthentic when people spout on about tolerance and valuing other people only to have those same people condemn the people who don’t agree with them. That’s hypocrisy.
It’s funny. The word hypocrite comes from the Greek word ‘hypokrites,’ which means “an actor” or “a stage player.”
Maybe by definition authenticity primarily means having integrity with ourselves, but for whatever reason, I think it also means having integrity with others. Be concerned about the other people in your life. In doing this, I think we are truly living authentically.
This article is part of the 52 Essential Skills Course at Mind For Life. You can join us on this journey of personal development throughout 2018. It’s FREE! Download the Essential Skills Personal Assessment and Join the Mind For Life Essential Skills Facebook Group.